Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The beginning of the end

The day that I've been looking forward to, yet dreading at the same time is getting close. I can feel it. Our days of nursing are numbered. It's what I have been looking forward to basically since the first time she nursed. But now, after almost 10 months, I get sad, anxious and panicky at the thought of being done. That's our time. Something no one else will ever be able to give her. And knowing one of these days will be the last time I nurse? I can't even begin to describe this deep sadness that washes over me thinking about. 

We had such a rough start to nursing. I remember texting my friend at 2 AM asking WHEN would it get easier? When would I 'love' it? She said 3 months. 

By three months I still didn't love it. It was HARD still. And so incredibly time consuming. But by 4 months I had stopped hating it. Stopped dreading those tell tale signs that she was getting hungry and soon I would be forced to nurse her again. 

By 5 months, I think was our switch. I didn't dread it anymore. 

By 7, months when she become mobile and no longer would sit still with me I even started looking forward to it. Our time, where she would cuddle against, me, stroking (or more often then not ripping if we are being honest) my face. She stares up at me with her large brownish/greenish/hazelish eyes. 

It's the only time she will ever fall asleep on me. The only time (except for when she is sick) that she will cuddle. 

If I walk into the room, she immediately wants ME. I know it's probably because of the whole breast feeding thing, and soon she might not only want me. And I know I'm selfish, but I like that at this point in time, I'm her favorite person. I can make it all better for her. When shes tired. Hungry. Sad. Hurt. Dealing with one of her multiple ear infections. Stuffed up. I can't fix it all just by nursing. I can Always comfort her. Soon that might not be the case. 

I have a hard time with change in my babies. Knowing Anything will be the last time, strikes me deep and hard and fills me with such incredible melancholy. 

So if I'm going to miss it so much why is it almost over? It's mainly Not by choice. She just isn't getting enough from me anymore. In the later afternoons and evenings she just isn't getting full enough from me. I'll nurse her. She will play for 30 minutes and I'll nurse her again. And then she's Still hungry. I've had to start giving her a bottle in the afternoons of our freezer stash, which is fine because I have half a mini deep freeze full, but I still don't think it's enough. I've been chugging water like mad the last few days trying to up my supply, but it doesn't seem to be helping. 

I'll keep nursing her as long as I have anything in there. And I'll keep giving her bottles of frozen milk. And when that runs out, I'll have to supplement with formula. But I will do all this feeling proud we made it this far. Maybe with supplementing we will make it to her birthday which is coming all too quickly. 

So why do I still feel guilty? 


And why can't she be this little again? 

16 comments:

  1. DONT QUIT! SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stopping by to say hello. Catching up on my favorite blogs :) Hope you are doing well my friend xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks girl- we are all doing good! Looks like you and Miss L are doing good as well :)

      Delete
  3. With our 3rd I continued to nurse until he was 17, almost 18 months old. He never had any formula.... but he did have solid food. He was about your daughter's age when he started eating more solids and nursed less.... in fact he normally only nursed three times a day. First thing in the morning, before lunch/nap time and then again just before bed. So please don't be discouraged! If you have any questions I'll be more than happy to answer them. :) Have a wonderful day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Peggy! She still nurses usually 6 times a day PLUS a bottle. She eats food, but at this point just seems to do it more for 'fun'. I'll try getting her to eat more solids. If she only wanted to nurse a few times a day I have a feeling I would have an easier time keeping up with her supply needs! Thanks for the support!

      Delete
  4. Try mothers milk tea or latctation cookies http://www.food.com/recipe/oatmeal-chocolate-chip-lactation-cookies-by-noel-trujillo-192346

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking of picking up some of the tea at whole foods tomorrow. Thanks!

      Delete
  5. It's very possible the dip in supply is temporary and it sounds like you are taking measures to counteract it already. Ovulation can cause a dip in supply and after 2 weeks or so it can come back up. It's great you have a freezer stash to use, you may very well get to 1 year and never need formula, especially considering she will start to eat more and more food and need less milk soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully that's in and it will come back up! I guess I don't know exactly how much it has dropped since I'm no longer pumping and just nursing, it's just weird Never feeling full!! But she's still nursing, and eating, just need to start pushing more solids I think. Thanks for the support!!

      Delete
  6. Heya i am fоr the first tіmе here. I came aсrosѕ thiѕ board and I finԁ It really useful & іt helpeԁ me out a lоt.

    I hοpe to giνe somеthing baсk
    and help others liκe you hеlped me.

    Here is my ωeb page :: Chemietoilette

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow, incredible blοg layout! Hоw long have you been bloggіng for?
    you make blogging look easy. Τhe overаll lοok of your site is fantastic, let alone the content!


    Mу web site http://www.Adventistmembers.com/Index.php?do=/profile-19269/info

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just stumbled across your blog and I feel the same way! Em is almost 10 months - and the thought of not nursing.. is kind of crazy. I thought I'd be ready/excited for the day to come - but I'm kind of dreading it! I'm hoping to make it a year.. I heard oatmeal for breakfast can help..and that Mother's Tea is amazing! I haven't tried the tea yet. It was great to read your post and relate! :)

    elm-baby.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by! And yay for (I'm assuming?) April 2012 babies!II I meant to grab the tea today but we got a little snowstorm here in Colorado, it's on my to do for tomorrow!! Did you see an immediate change?

      Delete
  9. I stopped nursing just under three months! Sad I couldn't go any longer...wish I got to the easy point ... :( I just couldn't see the light

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wasn't able to nurse Jasper past 3 months so I never saw the easy point with him either, but it really did come eventually! :)

      Delete