The day that I've been looking forward to, yet dreading at the same time is getting close. I can feel it. Our days of nursing are numbered. It's what I have been looking forward to basically since the first time she nursed. But now, after almost 10 months, I get sad, anxious and panicky at the thought of being done. That's our time. Something no one else will ever be able to give her. And knowing one of these days will be the last time I nurse? I can't even begin to describe this deep sadness that washes over me thinking about.
We had such a rough start to nursing. I remember texting my friend at 2 AM asking WHEN would it get easier? When would I 'love' it? She said 3 months.
By three months I still didn't love it. It was HARD still. And so incredibly time consuming. But by 4 months I had stopped hating it. Stopped dreading those tell tale signs that she was getting hungry and soon I would be forced to nurse her again.
By 5 months, I think was our switch. I didn't dread it anymore.
By 7, months when she become mobile and no longer would sit still with me I even started looking forward to it. Our time, where she would cuddle against, me, stroking (or more often then not ripping if we are being honest) my face. She stares up at me with her large brownish/greenish/hazelish eyes.
It's the only time she will ever fall asleep on me. The only time (except for when she is sick) that she will cuddle.
If I walk into the room, she immediately wants ME. I know it's probably because of the whole breast feeding thing, and soon she might not only want me. And I know I'm selfish, but I like that at this point in time, I'm her favorite person. I can make it all better for her. When shes tired. Hungry. Sad. Hurt. Dealing with one of her multiple ear infections. Stuffed up. I can't fix it all just by nursing. I can Always comfort her. Soon that might not be the case.
I have a hard time with change in my babies. Knowing Anything will be the last time, strikes me deep and hard and fills me with such incredible melancholy.
So if I'm going to miss it so much why is it almost over? It's mainly Not by choice. She just isn't getting enough from me anymore. In the later afternoons and evenings she just isn't getting full enough from me. I'll nurse her. She will play for 30 minutes and I'll nurse her again. And then she's Still hungry. I've had to start giving her a bottle in the afternoons of our freezer stash, which is fine because I have half a mini deep freeze full, but I still don't think it's enough. I've been chugging water like mad the last few days trying to up my supply, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
I'll keep nursing her as long as I have anything in there. And I'll keep giving her bottles of frozen milk. And when that runs out, I'll have to supplement with formula. But I will do all this feeling proud we made it this far. Maybe with supplementing we will make it to her birthday which is coming all too quickly.
So why do I still feel guilty?
And why can't she be this little again?