tales of a young mamma

Jasper,
Last night I started to pack for Sweden. And then out of the blue I had the biggest ugly cry session every. Your dad came in and thought something was horribly wrong. And something was. All of a sudden the thought of leaving you for two weeks made my heart hurt more than I thought possible. And then the tears started flowing. And then I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breathe.

Your dad tried telling me how you are going to have an amazing time with family in Iowa. And how we Need this. How much I need this. How much I deserve this. How I spent all day every single day with you,  and that even you, Jasper, need this. And in my mind, I know all this is true. Logically I know you will be great. YOu will have an amazing time. You will grow so much in those two weeks being away from your mamma. You get to spend time with your favorite people. Your grammy, and aunt milla. Uncle Mitchell and aunt heidi. And Sammy! You love sammy. And grandma and grandpa. You will get to play with and get to know your only cousin. You will be spoiled rotten by everyone.

It's not really you I'm worried about. You adapt SO well to change. And you are so confident in yourself and your surroundings that you will love this. No you I'm not too worried about. You will be happy, healthy, loved and well cared for. It's ME I'm worried about. I have spent almost every single day of your life with you. ALL day. And night. You are a part of me. We have spent a total of 15 whole days apart over almost 4 years. 15 days. That's how much moms who work out of the home spend apart from their kids in just three weeks, yet it has taken me 46 months to get there. It physically hurts me to think about being away from you. And last night I had the thought that I wish I wasn't going. I wished that over $4,000 hadn't already been spent so I could stay home and be with you every day.

But I am going. And you will be amazing. You will have so many stories to tell me when I get back that I don't think you will stop talking for 24 hours straight. And the thought of hearing your excited stories is what will get me to be able to walk on that airplane Monday morning.