Friday, June 28, 2013

"Mommy Wars"



If you have been a mom for more then 4 seconds, you have sadly most likely been a part of, directly or indirectly, some sort of 'mommy war.' Let me tell you, moms can be vicious! After nearly 6 years of this whole motherhood deal I've been targeted (online and in person) for:

A 'natural' birth
having had a c-section
having breastfeed Jasper
not breastfeeding Jasper long enough and having to switch to formula by 2-3 months
breastfeeding Tindra and breastfeeding her 'too long'
Not breastfeeding Tindra long enough
vaccinating my children
opting to go with delayed vaccinations
being a stay at home mom
getting out once in a while
not getting out enough
eating organic food
not eating 100% organic
being a 'helicopter' mom
not being 'helicopter' enough
sending Jasper to a church based preschool
Not sending Jasper to a private kindergarten
spoiling my children
not giving them 'enough'
cloth diapering Tindra
Not cloth diapering Jasper


And this is Such a short list. I could probably go on and on, but it's exhausting. For everything I've done that people think is 'right' like breastfeeding for just under 12 months for example, there are people saying 'gross, don't breastfeed, or 'only breast feeding the first 6 months, after that there aren't any real benefits' (wrong, by the way.)

There are very few right or wrong answers when it comes to parenting. We can only do what we feel is right for our families. And that can look totally different for everyone, so let's try to cut out the mom bashing shall we? And let's just assume most moms and dads are doing what feels right for them?

What sparked this post after so long in the mom game? I really thought I had seen it all, but then I made the mistake of asking a simple question on a car seat forum, asking for recommendations for our up coming trips on dual screen dvd players so I could have one for Jasper forward facing and one for Tindra rear facing. 

I got some great responses. But then I got some craaazy ones. Like " You are going to fry your childs brain by letting them watch a movie" and "dvd players are projectiles in a car, you absolutely can NOT have anything in your car that doesn't come with the car except for car seats and a purse that is zipped up and buckled in the front seat"

Uhm, great advice and all, but let's start with the first crazy comment (and there were several of each just worded differently, some more rude then others.)

My children don't watch a lot of TV. Some days 20 minutes here and there of a cartoon, some days none at all for days in a row. And when I say children, I basically mean Jasper because Tindra doesn't sit still long enough to watch even 5 minutes of TV. Jasper didn't sit down and watch a whole 25 minute cartoon till he was 3. Until then he was too busy to even notice if the TV was on or not. So yeah, I think having a couple of DVD players for my sanity and their boredom on a 11-12 hr solo car trip is perfectly acceptable. If you choose not to let your child have any TV time their childhood, that's great for you, and I won't judge you for it at all. In fact, that's fantastic. Sometimes I wish I could throw out the TV, but I don't see that happening any time soon (or probably ever) so I guess my children will be 'rotting' their brains from time to time. 

And just for the record, Jasper's brain isn't the slightest bit fried. He's the smartest little boy I know and is reading chapter books by himself at 5, so I think his brain is perfectly fine. Plus, he got the highest grade available in data and probability on his report card. I barely know that that is AND I didn't grow up watching really any TV.  I'm pretty sure he's going to be smarter then I am by the time he's 10, with or without any TV watching. 


And for the second set of crazy statements, I get that objects in a car can become projectiles in the even of a crash. I've seen the reports. And it's terrifying. I'm a big 'safety nerd.' I will be rear facing Tindra as long as possible, hopefully till she's 4. Jasper is almost 6 and still in a 5 point harness because I don't quite trust boosters yet. I do everything I can to keep them safe. But I also have to be realistic. And on an 11 hour trip that will take us to Iowa where we will spend 10 days there will be projectiles in the car, with our without a dvd player. There will be clothes. And shoes. And bottles, sippy cups and snacks. Toys, books, dvds. Cell phones and chargers. Cups of coffee. All projectiles. Adding one more to that crazy mix isn't going to make a difference either way. But try telling those moms that. When I commented back saying we would need all that stuff her response was 

"well then don't go. If you can't get your family there safely, it isn't wise to travel"

So because I can't drive across three states with an EMPTY vehicle I shouldn't go? Right. That makes a whole lot of sense. 

I gave up after that comment. Because really, can you debate with someone like that? I'm ALL for a good, fair debate. Drew would say I enjoy a good debate just a liiiitle too much. But I can't even bother with those kinds of statements. 

I'm not going to lock my children in a bubble and not allow them to experience the world because of possible dangers that are unfortunately around every corner. 

What 'mom' wars have you been a part of? Do you even bother debating/explaining your point of view? And what's the craziest thing someone has said to you in regards to parenting, I'd love to hear them!









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25 comments:

  1. ! one Darlene! My biggest thing I have to say I have experienced is not going to church or belonging to a church a lot of moms look down on us for it.

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    1. another good one that we definitely get also! though I'm sure those that do go to church regularly probably get some negativity for that as well! we can't win!

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  2. The one I had lately was not being in town for M kindergarten meet and greet! I felt attacked like I wasn't investing enough or something but have done plenty in my eyes!

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    1. So silly, sometimes there Are other things going on! I just got the calendar for Jasper's first grade and they are having a get together ice cream social the friday before school starts and we will be in iowa..I feel bad about it but can't change our whole week plans/miss a wedding because of it!

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    2. Yep I feel the same way I couldn't help that I was in az her school is rated well and she will do great so that's all I needed to know for now! Another one is homeschooling , public or private school oh it goes on and on lol

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    3. M will do fantastic! Bet she is SO excited!! I wish I had the patience for home schooling, but I would be horrible at it I'm pretty sure! Oh well!!

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  3. Oh gosh. I could go on forever. Formula feeding is a big one for me. Yet no one knows about my thyroid meds and cancer etc and how it affects it :) haters gonna hate. Always!!!

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    1. I would freaking LOVE to see the look on someones face as they give you the side eye for giving Theo a bottle of formula as you say "I had cancer beeotch" My "the doctor convinced me to get the birth control shot and it dried up my milk instantly at two months" probably wouldn't get the same kind of reaction.

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  4. I actually had a short lived series on this.

    I get judged front back and sideways.

    I just don't care.

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    1. Motherhood makes for some thick skin! It used to majorly bother me but yeah I'm like you and I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore! I know I'm doing a good job, and that's all that matters to me! It's freeing when you don't care anymore isn't it?

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  5. Moms scare me. Seriously. Ya'll are the worst!

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    1. They (we?) can be! we can be pretty awesome too!

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  6. Favorite comment "You need to let your son fall down, he's going to turn into such a sissy if you are always there to catch him" and this was a HIGH play structure when he was 1. LIke I should let him fall down 12 feet head first to teach him a lesson.

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    1. Yeah that sounds smart..what's a few broken arms to teach him a lesson? (Sarcasm of course)

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  7. I got So much shit for rear facing bella till 4 and a half. especially from family member.s

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    1. Go YOU, extended rear facing is Amazing and I really hope we make it that far!! Way to not listen to them!

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  8. I got so mch judgement for not breast feeding my daughter. I had a reduction and wasn't able to but no one seems to care about that.

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    1. I'm so sorry you got judgement for that. I get it and it sucks!

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  10. I'm a young mom. I wasn't able to breast feed because we had a lot of trouble even after seeing a lactation specialist. My daughter is half white, I on the other hand am Filipino. I would take my daughter out to the mall during the summer when she was a few months old. I would get stares right after other older moms found out I was a mom and not a nanny. They criticized me on how I was bottle feeding my child and that I should have known better. It even went as far as my baby would have been better off being aborted rather than having an uneducated mother like me. I'm glad my mother taught me better than to stoop that low.

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    1. Wow. Just wow. I'm so sad for you that you got those kinds of comments. Who raised these people?!?! I'm so sorry you got comments like that, that's just appalling. I hope you weren't too far on yourself for not being able to breast feed, you tried and that's all that matters!!

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  11. I get tons of flack from my in-laws about breastfeeding my now 7 month old. NOBODY in his family ever breastfed or was successful with breastfeeding. My mom in law constantly gripes about how my son cries a lot when she and my father in law have him and how he is SO ATTACHED to me, and it's all because I BREASTFEED him. Well actually he's just as attached to his daddy and besides you know what kids are supposed to prefer MOMMY over anyone else. Arg. I love my in-laws but dealing with that kind of thing is frustrating and I have to bite my tongue frequently to keep the peace. They also squirm when I say that my son will be rear facing until he hits the weight limit of his carseat. They don't know I plan on breastfeeding him until at least 12 months- and that I am ok with going up to 18m-- I'm sure I'll hear about that too.

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    1. That sucks! I would have been so pissed if my inlaws had ever said anything to me about doing what's BEST for my child! And shame on you for your BABY being so attached to you! (MAJOR major sarcasm) Try not to listen to them and let it bother you, you know what you are doing is what's best for your baby! I don't understand how we can get such rude comments for breast feeding and just as many for formula feeding. We are all feeding our babies!

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  12. That is all so crazy and ridiculous! I would put my money on it that that CRAZY PERSON who was bitching about everything in a car being a projectile, either A. has at least once put her child/children in a car with objects that weren't safely grounded by a seatbelt or B. doesn't ever leave her house with her kids unless they're walking (and literally, WALKING because i'm sure she thinks strollers are unsafe too) or C. she doesn't have kids, because anyone that actually does would never be so...ha. Not even going to put a word there.

    You're a great mama! The kids are gonna become amazing people because of the fact that they get to experience so much...even if there are projectiles ;)

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    1. Thanks Joan :) And yeah I agree, i don't see how its possible at ALL to drive with nothing in the car! This person would probably have a heart attack if she saw the inside of my car..

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