I started to write this in April and never finished and posted it, so here it is.
Tindra has decided, all of a sudden that she is done nursing. She had a couple of days where she would fight it and only wanted to nurse a few times a day, and I was okay with that. After 11.5 months of nursing 6-7 times a day plus pumping twice a day (finally stopped that about two months ago) we are at a point now where she only needs to nurse a 3-4 times a day. I was actually excited about it. Relieved. Finally I wouldn't have to schedule things around where she would need to eat, because it was only in the morning, evening and before nap. This was going to be good I decided.
But then she decided a few days ago that NOPE she wasn't having Anything to do with my boobs. Every time I tried to nurse she would arch her back and scream. She was seriously pissed off. She wouldn't stop screaming till I put my shirt down. Every single time. I tried and tried. 6-7 times a day for the past 4 days. I tried when she was tired. I tried when she was happy. And mad. And sad. And content. I tried. Every single time she would start screaming bloody murder and act like I was torturing her. And to her I'm sure I was. Trying to shove a (at times VERY full!) boob in her mouth when she clearly didn't want it? Yeah I guess that was torture to her. And it was for me to. I don't know of the two of us who has cried more this week. It Just might be me thought.
I have so many feelings about being done. I feel rejected. Sad. Slightly relieved. Disappointment that we didn't make it to 1 year (though I have enough breast milk in the freezer to get us there I think.) Free, for the first time in in almost two years my body is my own. And if I'm being completely honest, I feel a little depressed. It's like the baby blues times 10 for me. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel depressed. And that isn't something I say lightly. I don't get depressed. I get sad, sure but there hasn't been many times in my life I really have felt depressed. I've been feeling down, almost empty. I don't know how else to describe it. Last night I was sitting on the living room floor, with Tindra in front of me right before her bed time. This is when I would normally be nursing her for the last time of the day. My always favorite nursing session of the day. That's what I should have been doing, but instead I was watching her drink a bottle because she wouldn't even let me hold her while she drank it while playing with a ball. I said to Drew "I really miss her." And that sums it up. I physically miss her and I know that doesn't make sense. "You know she's right there right? " Drew said and looked at me like I was a little crazy. He doesn't get it. It's like right after she was born. I was so thrilled to have her next to me at the hospital, sleeping away in her bassinet, but I remember looking at her and missing her inside of me.
I have a hard time with change. With 'last times' if you will. And knowing I had my last nursing session with her (or maybe ever, what if I don't have more kids, or maybe I do and can't nurse?) is really hard for me to wrap my head around.
I don't even remember our last nursing session. I know it was in the evening. But was I checking my email on my phone as I often did since she's never been a power nurser, or was I staring at her beautiful face? Was she wrapping her finger around mine, or was she running her fingers through my hair? It was only a few days ago but I can't remember. And that's even more sad.
And that's where I left off two months ago.
Rereading what I wrote almost brings me to tears again. It was a rough couple of weeks for me (and probably for anyone that had to be around me!) I couldn't understand why I felt so down, it really didn't make any sense to me. I had been looking forward to the day where I would have my body back again. I didn't even LIKE nursing that much. In fact for months I absolutely hated it. Dreaded it. But then we got to a good place. But I still never got to one of those moms who just loves breast feeding. For me it was a way (THE best way) to feed my daughter and provide her with everything she needed. So when it suddenly ended, I was so sad and confused about WHY I was sad and confused. Probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
I was telling a friend during that day about how I had just been feeling off, not like myself, and she said the same thing happened to her when she weaned. I had honestly never heard of it so I did some googling and found out it's actually quite common to feel depressed when you stop breast feeding. It's just sadly one of those things that aren't talked about. And they should be! I wish I would have known that it's common and that I wasn't 'crazy' for feeling how I was feeling. I wish it wasn't so taboo to say "My daughter just self weened and I'm depressed about it." Instead, I basically hid out for a few weeks,not wanting to go anywhere, not wanting to talk to people. I wish my husband would have known that what I was going through was normal. That my feelings were normal because honestly, he wasn't the most supportive at that time. Maybe if we would have had some literature to go over together, warning us about this it would have been easier on both of us.
Gradually it did get better. It wasn't like I woke up one day 'happy' again. But slowly, over a couple of weeks, I started to feel like myself, and began to enjoy having my body to myself (well mostly anyway;)
Has anyone else felt depression with weaning? How long did it last, and did you feel like you could talk about it?