Let's talk skin.

Pregnancy skin to be more specific. Stretch marks to be even MORE specific. 

I was semi-lucky the first time around. I made it through 9.5 months ore pregnancy with out a single stretch mark. Now before you go thinking 'lucky bitch' in your mind, I did say SEMI lucky. Which also means semi- UNlucky. I made it through 9.5 months with out a single, ugly stretch mark. But then about a week after I had my gorgeous, just under 9 lb, 22 inch baby, I noticed some stretch marks on boobs. Okay, that's to be expect. I went from a 32 B to a C during pregnancy. And 5 days after I had him and my milk came in they exploded, yes exploded, to a FF! I didn't even know boobs CAME that big. And on my tiny 5'6, pre pregnancy 110 lb frame they made me look like a porn star. No joke. So yeah, I can't even blame my poor boobs for stretch marks appearing. 

But that wasn't the end. A few days later I noticed white lines on my ASS. Yeah, seriously. My ass. And then the inside of my thighs. And apparently, its because my hips didn't expand during pregnancy like they are supposed to, they waited till 10 days AFTER giving birth to expand. Thanks hips, I have a feeling childbirth would have been just a dad easier if you would have expanded those two inches BEFORE I gave birth. Apparently they missed the memo. 

And then the worst appeared. STRETCH MARKS ON MY CALVES!! I wish I was kidding you. Who the hell gets stretch marks on their CALVES? This girl, that's who. I. was. Mortified. I cried. Yes, I'm the vain girl that cries when she gets stretch marks. But really it was the last straw. Not only did my hips expand several inches so not a single pair of my old jeans fit, my my fingers got thicker making my rings not fit, my boobs were gigantic and i HATED them, my ass looked a cat had scratched in, my FEET even grew a size so 99% of my shoe collection (WHICH I had been building for years) no longer fit but now even my CALVES were covered in stretch marks? It was a sad sad day. 

I googled every home remedy and tried it all. I can't even remember all of them now, but I know it involved a lot of exfoliating and applying gross stuff to my legs several times a day.

I got to the point where I just didn't have the time (or possibly didn't care as much) anymore and stopped paying attention to them. Then one day, almost a year later when I was putting on a swim suit for the first time in a while and I noticed they were GONE! I'm not sure if it was all my remedies or if they just faded over time, but the calve stretch marks were 100 percent gone!! (True story I just pulled my pant leg up at Panera to make sure I saw absolutely zero trace of them.) I wish I could say the same for my but and inner thighs, I still have a few faint white lines there, but you can barely see those unless I'm naked so I'm not too concerned about that. 

Somehow I got lucky first time around not to get a single stretch mark on my stomach- which makes no sense to me since it looked like I swallowed a large basketball by the time I had him, but I might not get as 'lucky' this time around. This time around Im showing a lot sooner, and my belly is expanding a lot bigger. I have a feeling I'm going to get HUGE by the time she comes. And I hate to say it, but  I'm apparently still as vein this time around because I'm taking way more precaution this time around to make 'sure' (like you can Really make sure you don't get stretch marks) I don't get them like I did last time. I really don't want to add any more to my lovely little collection.

Just realized it's time to go get Jasper from preschool so I'll have to continue this lovely story later..I know you are all just DYING to hear more about my stretch marks..